Sometimes I feel I've got to get away.
I've got to hide away.

I don't actually care. It was gonn happen eventuallly with someone who would let me down equally as much. May as well be in a situation where I won't get hurt because there's no attatchment. I'm done setting myself up to get hurt. Just done.

I really don't care.

tainted love

Hours pass and she still counts the minutes that he is not there
He swears he didn;t mean for it to feel like this...

it would be that I miss you. every moment of every day. And no I don't want you back. I mean maybe I do. But I don't want to want you back. And I HATE you because I'm still in love with you and I hate that I can't really hate you. And I hate that you threw ou7r friendship away because now I'm losing my best friend to. Fuck you Casey. I don't care abotu making your identity secret anymore. YOU FUCKED ME OVER! Do you know HOW MANY FUCKING TEARS I have shed over your stupid fuckup!? Do you know how much blood I have WATCHED leak out of my arm over the pain I could not deal with mentally anymore? Do you know how much alcohol I've thrown back trying to drown you out of my mind. I take showers thwice a day that melt my face off to try to wash you away....but it's like you're fucking INKED on my skin along with all the scars and veins. And I just wish that this didn't have to happen like this. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with you and learned so much about myself during that time. And I wish I had done all of last year alone so I knew how to get through shit on my own. And I wish I wasn't so fucking pathetic about this. And I wish I didn't know that I'm a codependant that was basically addicted to you being an addict which is PROBABLY how I could function through those eight or nine months without doing too much stupid shit. Remember I didn't start fucking around with the narcotics till you were clean. How fucking SAD is that huh? Ironic how it takes two people to be in a relationship, and only one to end it. I fucking hate you Casey. I hate you I hate you I hate you. Arghh I can't do this! I just wanna curl up and sleep untill all this fucking pain goes away. I SUPPORTED YOU THROUGH EVERYTHING CASEY! Hoiw the FUCK coulkd you just walk away like I didn't mean a goddamn thing to you. What the FUCK is wrong with you. I just I cannot do this anymore. I am done. I'm sooo fucking done.

I'm out. I hope you're sorry. You need a fucking crashcorse in being a man casey. Real men don't destroy girls. And they don't destroy themselves.They just don't.

I'm out. Have a nice fucking life.

'cause every inch of her is bruised...

I was on your porch
And the smoke sank into my skin
So I came inside to be with you.

So it's done. Officially. We're done. No more break shit it's all over. And yeah, it'll be hard, and yeah it'll prolly hurt. But I mean I can do it. And he can go kill all the dopamine in his brain and destroy his serotonin I really could care less. Well I mean obviously I care...But I am perfectly capeable of life without him. I don't fucking need anyone. I can do this on my own. And Maybe we'll be friends later. Maybe this doesn't have to be goodbye as people forever.....I dunno. But today is hard because it's a special day. And Dec. 15th will be hard. And dec. 28th will be hard. And Jan 2nd. But that's that I guess. I can't change it. I want you to know, my dear, that from the moment you did meth the first time you set yourself in for llife. And if you ever do quit, you'll have to get all new friends, and probably move or some shit. So you're a whole hellof a lot more screwed by this than I am, because I am not addicted to you.

And these last three years
I know they've been hard
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

Here's one: DOn't ever do anything that will enable you to use the phrase "I was stupid and in love" you'll regret it. Don't ever think "Oh it's okay to write this on my shoe or carve this into my knee because I'm living in the moment and I'm in love" don't be a dumbass.

Here's another: don't be a dumbfuck. He doesn't mean 'always.' ever. maybe he said it once, but you were making out he was happy. he probably would've said it to his dog if his dog's hand was where mine was.

even more: don't expect to be able to call himjust as a FRIEND seeking out help because he is too self consumed to give a shit about you. Nevermind if you supported him through everything, nevermind if the FIRST time he broke your heart, as much as it killed you the first e-mail yousent him was one saying that while he had hurt you you were worried about him and wanted to help HIM. Nevermind if you pushed EVERYTHING aside and parted the fucking seas to try to help him because none of that matters when you need help.

And don't worry I'm not trashing him, or guys, I'm trashing all of us self-absorbed fucks.


the thing is I can't get over what he did right. thatafter he said always and I said no he held me close anyway and didn't put any pressure there. And after he broke my promise the first time how he held my hand and kissed me and told me I was better than ANY drug.

nevermind that now, because I see what I meant to you.


What I take out of this? I see how shitty we people really are.


And how promises are empty and love means absolutely buttfuck

n o t h i n g

hah.

you know what i realize? this whole thing is just life. you shake away your inhibitions and allow youself to fall in love for real for the first time. and you believe that it can last and you can be happy so you hang onto life loosely. and then you FALL hard and you gotta pick yourslef up because there's no one there to do it for you this time and then you realize: You cannot trust ANYONE but yourself to help you up, because everyone lets you down in the end.

and that my friends is life. and mankind. so don't trust it ever. or the world always because it's all a lie. and i am THANKFUL that i now know that.

and that's todays life lesson. on that note

happy fucking thanksgiving.

me: Ah. your icon reminds me of this picture made of your brother and I hella days ago.
her: ?
me: It's all black and white, except him, and it says "because you colour my world.
her: awww
me: -shrug- whatevs. What's done is done.
her: yee

only not because I miss you every moment of every day.

guy: i don't think they like that i talk to you
me: ?
guy: i think they think that i'll start to like you or something and you'll hurt me.
me: oh yes because I'man evil liferuining whore.
me: you know because, we've never formally met, and I am SO clearly coming onto you, plus I am JUST THAT SEXY.
guy: haha. yeah i don't really get it either.

me: I've decided that you shoulkd just crash my house so I can cook for you
other guy: Hmm.
me: I love cooking for people
me: it makes me feel special.
other guy: Hmm, i totally would but a certain person would kinda get mad. [my gf]
me: and cooking=passionate sex?

CLEARLY I radiate sex waves.

i just want my best friend back...

Thank you for everything. I know I amoverreacting but let me just make a list. Maybe you'll read it and feel one half as shitty as I do now.

Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for breaking a promise
Thank you for lying to me
Thank you for leaving with no reason.
Thank you for warning me
Thank you for not calling me for a week
Thank you for not calling me when you said you would yesterday
Thank you for breaking my promise the first time and actually convincing me that you could do it.
Thank you for showing me just what I meanto you

Oh yeah and

Thanks for ignoring me.

I really hope you see this. Pathetic as it may sound maybe it'll get through your skull that you're not the only one in this relationship. There are two people and I have suported you through EVERYTHING. And now I need you and GOD FORBID you should be there. I feel like CRYING and you know how goddamn much it takes for me to cry. You know I don't do that easily. I DROPPED MY ADDICTIONS FOR YOU! I did it for you and you can't do it for me? I AM BACK TO WHERE I STARTED NOW THOUGH! I'm back! I'maddicted AGAIN. Because you fucking WALKED AWAY when I needed you MORE THAN EVER! And fuck if you can't honour your promise why should I honour mine. That's right I'mdoing it again. And no I do not think about you when i do it. I think about everything I've lost and how goddamn empty I feel. How fucking broken I fele all the time and the fact that I LET you have all that power over how I feel. YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME! I TRUSTED you and I told you a fucking YEAR ago it's really hard for me to trust anyone. And now? I don't even fucking know you. YES GODDAMNIT I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING but maybe if you'd EVER cared about me you would understand how I feel. How fucking loney and empty I feel. How I don't even know if I canmake it through my day.And I night? I sit and thinkaboutevery fucking moment I thought thateverything was perfect and focused on how lost thatis and how I ever could've fucking FALLEN for it. You have hurt me more than I thought it possible.

Why the fucking hell do I still love you?

PS: You can't stay someone you're not forever. Just remember that.

It is the way they describe drugs. The first few times are amazing, and you seek to get that back. That high never really comes. But then you start tuirning to it when you're down because, well it worked the first few times so why not now? Plus even if it;s not the same, it does elevate you....Then it becomes dependancy. Addiction. And eventually, it's what you do to be normal. And that my friends is the cycle of anaddict and the gene theysay they all see in me. I don't deny it. It's who I am. And before there was reason. Now? None. So why not. I always craved it anyway. Every day now, back to every day. But I don't care. It's not hurting me, it's only making me better. I have somewhere else to turn to and hey, now I no longer am so dependant on him. I was worrying a few weeks ago, but then I was like "Eh I'll deal with this later. Things are fine with us now so I'll just get on this not being AS codependant later" And then we broke up, so I was kinda forced to deal with it when I was not really ready. Now I lost my thought. More later

You do something to me that I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you?

Now I really regret things. I still don't think I'm uptight. but I think my phone call was unnessicary. I think it's more anger with myself for feeling like I don't stand up for my needs ever. With anyone. And I feel as though I am acting like we're still officially "us" when we're on a break. And if I'm doing that then he hasn't lost anything has he? And then why should he even try if I will just forgive him and let my needs die. I don't regret what I said to him, I regret how I said it and the circumstance. It was just kinda bitchy. I have been listening to songs all morning and I just...Really wish things could go back to the way they were beofe this issue even hit. I wish our relationship could just work. What about the plans? What about all the things he said and promised...I mean I'm not holding him to them...I just didn't expect this at all. It feels strange and disconnected and lie I'm not sure who he is right now..And fine I can change that I just wish we were in a place where I'd never have to...

But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you

Stay with me
You're the one I need
Make the hardest things
Seem easy
Keep my heart
somewhere drugs son't go
Where the sunshine s l o w s
Always keep me close

I am very confused about this whole situation. I made a call that was kinda unnessicary I guess...But then I talked to someone who basically told me I was too uptight and it's all just part of highschool. Like she's so much older and more knowledgeable. Whatever. Maybe so. Maybe I am uptigh. but I can't do this. I can't watch someone I care about go down that road again. It is too much on me. And you know what I don't ask a lot. I make a goddamn effort not to be needy. I am sick of seeing people go comatose. I am sick of being scared of people relapsing. I am sick of being worried. I am 15 fucking years old I do not need that right now. I am supposed to be growing up and 'finding myself' not playing police man. I think it is a fucking valid claim to ask someone not to do hard drugs. And I am not putting pressure on anyone and I am not sitting here waiting. if people can pull their shit together in the next few months I am here. fine. But no one else who is not me or that person has any right to call me uptight because I am not fucking uptight. I am perfectly validated. I don't give a shit if people smoke weed or drink. It's the E and the acid and the coke I care about. ANd fuck that is fucking VALID because thatshit kills. And everyones like "Oh it's not gonna happen to me! lalala!" but it has to happen to fucking someone right? And I don't screw around in peoples lives that I am not intimately involved with but I am in a fucking relationship with this person and I have every right to ask him to stop. Ans who the fuck are you to call me uptight for it. Fuck that shit man. Fuck it ALL I am going to play guitar.

A broken promise, broken trust, and a broken heart. A broken family and broken morals and broken values. Everything is broken today. If only the day could be broken so I could have something to fix. Because that is what I do. I get sad and I try to fix things. But I don't want to fix things right now. I dont even wanna fix myself. I wanna fix this day and make it not happen. I want to go back in time and change anything that I ever did wrong that could have brought him one steo closer to this decision. I want to fix him and make him realize that I need him...But this isn't about me. In fact it has nothing to do with me because I worked so hard for him. I worked at trying to make him realize how amazing he is....And I guess its's just something he needs to accept on his own. And maybe time away from me is what he needs. I just really dont want this to be over forever because...He's one of the best things that's ever happened in my life. I just feel like the last hinges of what was holding me together have been ripped apart...And I know that I shouldn't put that much on a guy, but when that guy was the only thing keeping you from losing yourself again....It means more. And Ijust feel like I am losing everyone lately. My sister, D, and now Trent......I'm just not really sure what to do with myself. Everything seemed perfect last night....And now I am really just trying not to cry. Ordinarily I would wrap myself in his coat and read my list of happy moments. But now those things just make me want to cry....I don't really care if he reads this. Maybe then he'll know how much he meant to me. I will be here if you change your mind.....

For all of this
I'm better off without you
Do you regret all your lonliness?

I wanna hear you sad.
I wanna hear you sorry, too. For fucking me over and faking friends.
And I wanna hear you sorry for breaking my heart the first time.
And I wanna hear you sorry for leaving and not telling me where yo uwere going.
And I wanna hear you sorry for blowing me off.
I wanna hear you sorry for saying the things that you said.
I wanna hear you sorry for ignoring me for 3 months. I wanna hear you sorry for breaking a promise.

Coming home again from visting my sister. I reallllyyy liked New York, it felt right to me. But I really miss John, who I am recodnaming Trent because I think it is disrespectful to him since he hates the name, and Christina and I think I'm ready to be home now. Still though, it might be nice to live there one day. It was especially nice to get away from everyone at school, most of whom are pissing me off with the exception of like 3 girls. Yes even my male friends are pissing me off. Okay I know this shouldn't matter to me but it totally does....Before I left, I was in dance and we're starting this tap number. And tap is like...MY dance. Tap, jazz, and belly. It's what I do, and well, too. So I take a little longer to catch on, but once I do I actually do it well. So I work my ass off to learn this dance, and I'm still apparently not good enough because I am put in the back. The only girl in my grade who is in the back besides one that isn't here. Guess who's in the front, doing the beginning of the dance that, oh, I am not even IN? Emma, Jaz, and Tatiana. And they are ALWAYS overshadowing me. Before I met John they always ot the guys I liked, the better grades [[except Emma and I are pretty much even in French]], nd then they have the same music taste as I do so basically there're hotter, more desirable versions of me. ONly not because they are a lot more than me. Wanna know the one thing I have that they don't? Sevens. My one pair of nice jeans. That's really it. Everywhere else they either exceed me or are just like me. And Trent will probably meet them and be like "OH WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS CHICK WHEN THERE'S THESE CHICKS HERE!?" Arrgh. And then there's this case of stolen identity from Erica. She does EVERYTHING I do and has EVERYTHING I have. And it's different than the other three because I did it first. She steals things that are important to me and obsessesover them which kills is for me. My music taste, my favourite songs, books, shows, and now she's even joined my fucking THEATRE group so I have NO WHERE TO GET AWAY FROM IT AND BE SAFE!!! She even started playing GUITAR and it's like, then she's better in math than me, I think I'm better at English....but STILL can I have ANYTHING that's just my own? And she even got to date this guy I had reallllyy, really liked for the longest time last year, the entries about it are back there. In fact my first entry was about it...I cannot stand this shit right now. I know I am being pissy and bitchy but I don't give two fucks and a half. I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut. No I don't because I have every right to be unreasonable and feel sorry for myself and I intend to do just that. Okay? Alright I'm in the airport and I am going to get a cup of coffee now. goodbye.

If only you could see
The stranger standing next to me
You promised, you promised you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs